Growing through Recovery

 With my sober birthday being July 5, 2019 - that means, on January 5, 2022 I'll be celebrating 2.5 years. While that may not seem like much, it's been a very challenging, but rewarding time for me.  And 2.5 I am so proud of.  See, I've changed over this 2.5 years; I've shifted and grown, and yet I have watched so much stay stagnant.  

When I decided in July of 2019 to not drink, it was just a challenge for me... Dry July was what it was called, yet I waited until after the 4th, because that's how addicted I was. I'm extremely goal oriented and challenge driven, so taking 30 days off to support a friend, would be fun for me. I had tried numerous times to quit, and sometimes could make it 15 days or so, but ultimately always found myself with a drink because this or that "miffed" me.  But, Dry July felt different.  Then Dry July turned into, let's go 6 weeks, and then my first holidays arrived without alcohol, and by early 2020, I was used to my new sobriety.  In March of 2020, Covid-19 forced shutdowns in the USA - which was horrifying  after watching the rest of the world in tremendous shock and terrible sadness. I never thought this pandemic would change me so much - and here I am in a brand new world, without drinking. 

I've struggled during the pandemic, because I believe in hope, the greater good of mankind, and love.  Without losing anyone over politics or personal opinion; I'm a strong believer and supporter of science, think everyone should wear a mask, and have strongly stood behind both vaccines and the booster.  Going through sobriety during such a contentious time, in this world, has been extremely difficult - because life alone has been difficult. 

I have never felt so lonely - as I do now; and certainly some of it is pandemic related, as I stay as close to home as possible - with the exception of going to work, and showing up on deck (because I trust the mitigation efforts of my pool) - but that being said, some of my isolation has been due to my sobriety.  When you are going through recovery, it's not recommended to go at it alone; but it is recommended to move away from things that remind you of drinking.  For me, it is toxic relationships. I honestly struggle talking about my former job, in any capacity, because it was part of my problem. Days were hard, the work was heavy - and while half of my colleagues were supportive family; the other half were the dysfunctional part of the family.  I drank heavily while I worked there - always after hours.  Coming home exhausted - ready to drink wine and just chill.  I do not remember many evenings during that time in my life; I was going through too much. But, I did start my sobriety there - shared my story with a few colleagues, and this really changed my life and trajectory. While two friends were super supportive, others said things to me that left me confused and ashamed. I ended up leaving and I have not looked back.  I do have two good friends who are still there, and I ask them to not talk "work" with me.  While part of it is pain - to be honest, reminiscing about former "work" is not fruitful toward my growth.  

After my experience sharing my sobriety with select "friends" at work, with limited support; I opted to go silent. I decided not to share. I was so ashamed. I vacillated back and forth with whether I even had a an alcohol problem and questioned whether or not I was just very dramatic.  It took me at least a year, to move forward from my life there and grow as a sober individual.  After my first year, I was still struggling - that's when I left work to try new things.  By 18 months sober, my entire life had changed. I was moving and shaking. I had a new job; one that was filled with fun, joy, and excitement. I was training hard for a swim event, and I spent most of my time working on me.  

By year two, I was sharing my story openly with my mother, father, and a few friends. I even started posting about it on Instagram and gained a whole host of new followers using hashtags such as #soberissexy, #soberAF, and #soberathlete.  There are still folks, I refuse to talk about this with, they can decide if they want to read this or not.  But some people just know one side of me and that's okay.  I've been grateful to share this journey with a few people who really matter and genuinely support me, understand me, and would never stigmatize alcoholism.  

As of late, I've suffered tremendously in building back relationships and trying to find new friends who get me. Obviously, a global pandemic throws a kink in it all; but I need people who get me one hundred percent. I need more sober friends in my life - who have hit rock bottom and now are in recovery.  I do not think you can understand that, until you are in my shoes... because all people in recovery share this same feeling; but others who have not gone through this, just cannot understand the importance.  Sure, I could talk with someone who has never drank - but we will never share the commonality of drinking.  And I could talk with someone who imbibes, but unfortunately they'll never understand my struggles. So, one day at a time, I try to figure out how to decrease loneliness and I feel a little more at ease.  That's all I can do... and my greatest gift, is an ability and desire to share this with others, so they can grow with me.